Who do you think you are?
One of the craziest part of becoming a mum is this phenominon of this evolving identity. It has been a fascinating thing to observe in others as I became aware of it myself. In some cases you see mothers completely devoted to their children, they lose themselves in this combined role of cleaner, chauffeur, nanny...maid (cough cough). The kids are everything. Everything, including the marriage, comes second to the wants and needs of the children.
Then on the other end of the spectrum you have mums who are determined to live out their lives with kids having to somehow fit into that picture.
I was thinking the other day, about the nature of 'surviving' motherhood (especially the early days) and thriving as a mother. It seemed from observation, that so many parents are living in maintenance mode until their babies are asleep at night or just holding it together enough until that girl's night out. It dawned on me, quite profoundly that when our view of our 'job' as a mum is that we are a nanny (an unpaid one at that!) then our mindset bleeds out into our day to day attitudes which bleeds out into meaningless actions of just keeping the kids alive until dinner. That may look like plopping them in front of the T.V for hours at a time or being absent from the moment while you're with them by staring a a phone screen while they play. NO wonder so many mothers find motherhood unfulfilling and seek fulfillment in careers or elsewhere. (and no, I am not anti working or carreer, I'm talking about the extreme of what that can look like). Nanny mentality can even be subtle! It can be the entertainment factor that keeps our kids occupied and 'happy' so we can catch up with friends or do what we want or need to do.
What if we really discovered the calling of motherhood? What if we allowed the weight of this responsibility to really sink in? We have been given, gifted even, an eternal soul. A soul that we are responsible for raising, shaping and training in what is right and wrong. Although we share this responsibility with whoever we choose to open our kids lives to, whether that be Kindy teachers, school teachers or other family members, we are ultimately responsible, especially in the early days, for what goes into the minds of our children.
It is too easy to occupy and entertain our children, especially in the digital age. We so easily trade in mindless screen time for time helping us cook dinner where we can have conversations about what is good for our bodies and what isn't. We are so quick to organise sports activities and after school activities instead of saving some sacred time to sit with our kids on the couch and debrief how the day went and what happened. Evenings are typically stress time as families rush to cram in all they couldn't do during the day, instead of being time gathered around the dinner table or sitting talking together over a cup of tea or Milo. Hello, I am just as guilty of this to some degree as I think we all are if we are honest. What changes this nanny mentality? Change and choice. Changing the way we view our role of mother and choosing to be deliberate in every moment we are given with our little and not so little ones.
What if we took every menial task and strategically used it to teach and train? What if the mundane becomes the tools for learning? What if training and teaching our children was easier and took less effort than we thought? This is something, in this day and age, we have to work harder than ever to preserve. Once upon a time, families were the authority in their children's lives. Parents had the final say and relationships built and forged together in the trenches of what was a life of hardship and hard work. Today, we share our little people's brains, thoughts and lives with so many people and strangers who create TV shows who have none of the same values as us. Time we do spend with the kids isn't intentional or strategic but rushed and stressful.
I am by NO means perfect in this dilemma we find ourselves in. But I have identified this as a problem in society and my own life at times. What are we called to do? What is our main purpose, function and calling and what is a distraction to that?
I love to give examples of things I try and do (not always, but sometimes) that help me be intentional with time invested into the kids.
1. Cooking time - not every night (God knows that's not possible for me) but sometimes I like to get the kids involved in cooking with me, They will cut, chop, grate and stir while we make dinner. Any time where hands are busy is a good time to talk. We talk about what foods are good and bad for us, why we eat certain foods and what is going on in their world.
2. Bedtime - bedtime is such a tricky time of night! Especially when you have littlies who are exhausted and you are exhausted and they all need you and go to bed at roughly the same time. Ingredients for DISASTER! And some nights, bedtime is a disaster, lets be honest. 7pm is bed time in our home for the boys so at this time, Abby will be sent to the lounge with a book and she does quiet reading for 30 minutes while we put the boys down. Jed is first and Noah second. If Gav is home then we each take a child. Bedtime will involve at least 10 minutes of lying with them. In this time, you don't even need to ask questions or intiate conversation. Just lying together at sleep time will cause them to talk, trust me, anything to get out of sleep time!!! It is at this time that they usually reflect on the day and may bring up something that happened at Kindy or school. It is a great time to debrief what has happened and maybe changes that need to be made in behaviour or in situations for the next day. Obviously it is always ended with cuddles and kisses and if all goes according to plan, boys are out with the lights within 10 minutes.
Time with Abigail will be for 30 minutes after the boys bedtime. Being a time girl, Gavin and I have had to think of ways to be with her. For Gavin, he loves to do Lego and so does she. This became a special hobby they can do together at night. Sometimes they chat, sometimes they work together in happy silence. But it is time where Abby has daddy's undivided attention. We sometimes play chess or other board games, these are also just a fun way to unwind and usually in the games, Abby will pipe up with something interesting that happened or an issue she is facing.
3. Walking - this may not always be possible, but where possible, walk instead of driving. This is definitely more achievable in Summer, but not impossible in Winter. Sometimes I'll walk to get the kids from school (it is so hilly, I really die to myself doing this but at least the walk home is downhill mostly). If you're not so game, park a block away and give the kids a 10 minute walk to the car after school. Walking is therapeutic, you all get fresh air and the kids will talk your ear off after school. We chat about things that have happened, things we see along the way home and what we have planned for the rest of the day,
4. Stop, drop and talk - sometimes if you just sit (phone far, far away) and be present while they play, they will come to you and talk to you. In this time you may observe what they are playing and can bring up whether they think the character in the game is being nice and kind or not. Maybe you observe one is sharing really nicely and can celebrate that and make a really big deal out of good behaviour.
There is so much emphasis on education right now and not a lot of value based education. Do our kids know what is right and what is wrong? Do our kids know WHY we make the decisions we do? Why is it good to share? Why is it not ok to make someone else feel sad or bad about themselves? We are called to train our children. This is the scariest and hardest job on earth, in my humble oppinion and of late I have been convicted and re-inspired to make this my goal. Of COURSE we get tired. Of COURSE we cop out sometimes because we need a break and paw patrol will give us half an hour of peace and quiet. Of COURSE we sometimes blast talk back radio in the car just to drown out kids questions and to have some adult conversation in our ears. There is absolutely no judgement here for that. We are human and I'm right in there with you. But that shouldn't stop us encouraging each other to get up and try again.
Maybe that looks like a technology ban like we did, for a few weeks. Man was that hard! The kids whinged and whined for a day or two but soon got the hang of it. Not actually because they love TV, because they love to play more! But mostly because they like routine and breaking a routine of a program before school after you're ready in the morning is not easy. Maybe that looks like sitting and planning in when you're going to make time to do things with the kids. I think the mental switch that needs to come in is, seeing our role as nanny, babysitter,cleaner and cook change to shaper of minds, 'preparer' for destiny and purpose, trainer and teacher. What lost opportunities can we look for this week to do that? What an awesome responsibility we have and it is no ones but ours. What a comforting thought that everything your child needs, you have. We have been stewarded with such great responsibility. Are we just going to maintain it and present it back to God as something that just survived? Or are we going to make our children our greatest life's work. Are we willing to pour into them everything God has equipped us with to do the job at hand and present them to God and the world one day having done EVERYTHING in our power to make sure they know how to make the right decisions and live this life with character and integrity? I know what I want and I'm SO grateful for a God who is with us every step of the way! Bring it on!
Then on the other end of the spectrum you have mums who are determined to live out their lives with kids having to somehow fit into that picture.
I was thinking the other day, about the nature of 'surviving' motherhood (especially the early days) and thriving as a mother. It seemed from observation, that so many parents are living in maintenance mode until their babies are asleep at night or just holding it together enough until that girl's night out. It dawned on me, quite profoundly that when our view of our 'job' as a mum is that we are a nanny (an unpaid one at that!) then our mindset bleeds out into our day to day attitudes which bleeds out into meaningless actions of just keeping the kids alive until dinner. That may look like plopping them in front of the T.V for hours at a time or being absent from the moment while you're with them by staring a a phone screen while they play. NO wonder so many mothers find motherhood unfulfilling and seek fulfillment in careers or elsewhere. (and no, I am not anti working or carreer, I'm talking about the extreme of what that can look like). Nanny mentality can even be subtle! It can be the entertainment factor that keeps our kids occupied and 'happy' so we can catch up with friends or do what we want or need to do.
What if we really discovered the calling of motherhood? What if we allowed the weight of this responsibility to really sink in? We have been given, gifted even, an eternal soul. A soul that we are responsible for raising, shaping and training in what is right and wrong. Although we share this responsibility with whoever we choose to open our kids lives to, whether that be Kindy teachers, school teachers or other family members, we are ultimately responsible, especially in the early days, for what goes into the minds of our children.
It is too easy to occupy and entertain our children, especially in the digital age. We so easily trade in mindless screen time for time helping us cook dinner where we can have conversations about what is good for our bodies and what isn't. We are so quick to organise sports activities and after school activities instead of saving some sacred time to sit with our kids on the couch and debrief how the day went and what happened. Evenings are typically stress time as families rush to cram in all they couldn't do during the day, instead of being time gathered around the dinner table or sitting talking together over a cup of tea or Milo. Hello, I am just as guilty of this to some degree as I think we all are if we are honest. What changes this nanny mentality? Change and choice. Changing the way we view our role of mother and choosing to be deliberate in every moment we are given with our little and not so little ones.
What if we took every menial task and strategically used it to teach and train? What if the mundane becomes the tools for learning? What if training and teaching our children was easier and took less effort than we thought? This is something, in this day and age, we have to work harder than ever to preserve. Once upon a time, families were the authority in their children's lives. Parents had the final say and relationships built and forged together in the trenches of what was a life of hardship and hard work. Today, we share our little people's brains, thoughts and lives with so many people and strangers who create TV shows who have none of the same values as us. Time we do spend with the kids isn't intentional or strategic but rushed and stressful.
I am by NO means perfect in this dilemma we find ourselves in. But I have identified this as a problem in society and my own life at times. What are we called to do? What is our main purpose, function and calling and what is a distraction to that?
I love to give examples of things I try and do (not always, but sometimes) that help me be intentional with time invested into the kids.
1. Cooking time - not every night (God knows that's not possible for me) but sometimes I like to get the kids involved in cooking with me, They will cut, chop, grate and stir while we make dinner. Any time where hands are busy is a good time to talk. We talk about what foods are good and bad for us, why we eat certain foods and what is going on in their world.
2. Bedtime - bedtime is such a tricky time of night! Especially when you have littlies who are exhausted and you are exhausted and they all need you and go to bed at roughly the same time. Ingredients for DISASTER! And some nights, bedtime is a disaster, lets be honest. 7pm is bed time in our home for the boys so at this time, Abby will be sent to the lounge with a book and she does quiet reading for 30 minutes while we put the boys down. Jed is first and Noah second. If Gav is home then we each take a child. Bedtime will involve at least 10 minutes of lying with them. In this time, you don't even need to ask questions or intiate conversation. Just lying together at sleep time will cause them to talk, trust me, anything to get out of sleep time!!! It is at this time that they usually reflect on the day and may bring up something that happened at Kindy or school. It is a great time to debrief what has happened and maybe changes that need to be made in behaviour or in situations for the next day. Obviously it is always ended with cuddles and kisses and if all goes according to plan, boys are out with the lights within 10 minutes.
Time with Abigail will be for 30 minutes after the boys bedtime. Being a time girl, Gavin and I have had to think of ways to be with her. For Gavin, he loves to do Lego and so does she. This became a special hobby they can do together at night. Sometimes they chat, sometimes they work together in happy silence. But it is time where Abby has daddy's undivided attention. We sometimes play chess or other board games, these are also just a fun way to unwind and usually in the games, Abby will pipe up with something interesting that happened or an issue she is facing.
3. Walking - this may not always be possible, but where possible, walk instead of driving. This is definitely more achievable in Summer, but not impossible in Winter. Sometimes I'll walk to get the kids from school (it is so hilly, I really die to myself doing this but at least the walk home is downhill mostly). If you're not so game, park a block away and give the kids a 10 minute walk to the car after school. Walking is therapeutic, you all get fresh air and the kids will talk your ear off after school. We chat about things that have happened, things we see along the way home and what we have planned for the rest of the day,
4. Stop, drop and talk - sometimes if you just sit (phone far, far away) and be present while they play, they will come to you and talk to you. In this time you may observe what they are playing and can bring up whether they think the character in the game is being nice and kind or not. Maybe you observe one is sharing really nicely and can celebrate that and make a really big deal out of good behaviour.
There is so much emphasis on education right now and not a lot of value based education. Do our kids know what is right and what is wrong? Do our kids know WHY we make the decisions we do? Why is it good to share? Why is it not ok to make someone else feel sad or bad about themselves? We are called to train our children. This is the scariest and hardest job on earth, in my humble oppinion and of late I have been convicted and re-inspired to make this my goal. Of COURSE we get tired. Of COURSE we cop out sometimes because we need a break and paw patrol will give us half an hour of peace and quiet. Of COURSE we sometimes blast talk back radio in the car just to drown out kids questions and to have some adult conversation in our ears. There is absolutely no judgement here for that. We are human and I'm right in there with you. But that shouldn't stop us encouraging each other to get up and try again.
Maybe that looks like a technology ban like we did, for a few weeks. Man was that hard! The kids whinged and whined for a day or two but soon got the hang of it. Not actually because they love TV, because they love to play more! But mostly because they like routine and breaking a routine of a program before school after you're ready in the morning is not easy. Maybe that looks like sitting and planning in when you're going to make time to do things with the kids. I think the mental switch that needs to come in is, seeing our role as nanny, babysitter,cleaner and cook change to shaper of minds, 'preparer' for destiny and purpose, trainer and teacher. What lost opportunities can we look for this week to do that? What an awesome responsibility we have and it is no ones but ours. What a comforting thought that everything your child needs, you have. We have been stewarded with such great responsibility. Are we just going to maintain it and present it back to God as something that just survived? Or are we going to make our children our greatest life's work. Are we willing to pour into them everything God has equipped us with to do the job at hand and present them to God and the world one day having done EVERYTHING in our power to make sure they know how to make the right decisions and live this life with character and integrity? I know what I want and I'm SO grateful for a God who is with us every step of the way! Bring it on!
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