The parenting paradigm
Could it be, that in parenting our kids, we come face to
face with an uncensored version of ourselves?
I have heard the phrase, ‘what walks in fathers runs in
sons’ and it seems more and more a true statement the more I observe parents
and their children.
There have been countless times where I have sat appalled at
behaviour in my kids that almost mirrors my short-fallings or feelings,
arguably in a more intense, dramatic display, but part of me, none-the-less.
I believe it is in this confrontation of an uglier version
of what we try very hard to mask or master within ourselves that we find
ourselves battling not our children but ourselves in them. Sure, they are their
own little people with different thoughts, desires, likes and dislikes. We
cannot however get away from the fact that a large percentage of who they are,
the things ingrained in their DNA, their very make-up, is from us.
Could it be then, that some of our biggest battles with
them, would be us, essentially coming face to face with ourselves?
I am realising all the more, as I journey down the
unpredictable lane of parenting three very different children, that my approach
to parenting has changed substantially over the brief 8 years I have been on
this journey. I came into parenting very idealistic. I had very set beliefs that shaped my parenting strategies. It is no surprise that I ended up with
child number one being, in my mother’s words, very much like me as a child.
Strong-willed, stubborn at times, confrontational and defiant. It is definitely in some of my greatest struggles and even at times of despair that I could find hope in the fact that she is so similar to me. I was able to firstly, seek advice from the people who raised me ( and what a brilliant source of wisdom they are)! I was also able to think more clearly about the situations in reflecting on how I felt or why I acted out in certain ways.
It is a strange thing to come face to face with ourselves. Maybe that is why we often wrestle with the need to control and dominate over the behaviour of our kids rather than teaching and training. I believe this has been my biggest parenting shift. I have become less concerned with changing behaviour or behaviour modification as some call it, and more concerned with changing a heart. Getting to the root of things and dealing with things that sometimes even our kids don't often understand, instead of hitting the symptoms head on and ending up with World War 3 and no results.
It is a wonderful and terrifying thing to be entrusted with a life. To be responsible for molding and shaping the way our little people think and view life. We hold the power to build up or tear down. The power to empower them to be all that God has created them to be or to act in fear in reaction to the bad choices they make. What a job. What a calling! And how much more amazing is it, that we are equipped with knowing that they are more like us than we like to admit. We have inside information into how they work and what makes them tick.
This month we are celebrating my baby girl's 8th birthday. 8 year's old! Being Abigail's mum has
been my greatest blessing, greatest challenge and greatest learning opportunity. I can remember my 'lightbulb' moment of "O wow, I have a real live child that is all ours." Gavin and the family had left, it was hours after the most intense day of my life, birthing this baby girl. Lying in the hospital bed with this little person on my chest, silence, big eyes peering up at me from where she lay. That moment when I realised this was all for real and the weight of responsibility dawned on me for the task that lay ahead.
I have learnt more about myself parenting my girl than in any other area in life (perhaps on par with marriage). An idealistic young(ish) mum stepping into the long awaited role of motherhood with a baby girl, my dream 'job'! I soon found out that kids don't fit the mould of our ideals. They don't sit like colours in-between the lines or come together with some set recipe you find in a book. My firstborn taught me that kids are individuals with a language of emotions that you have to learn. That learning process means adapting, changing and ultimately parenting with a shift in mindset. Not only was my 'I'm the parent and I know what's best' attitude totally blown apart very quickly but it was replaced with a humbling of my heart as I realised that this complex little human was created with very specific, very unique personality for a very specific purpose and that I had to learn to communicate, discipline, love and ultimately parent from that perspective.
A wise man once said in passing that we think we were given kids for us to shape and change them, But that God actually gives us kids to shape and change us! How true that is. Should we lay down and let our kids run the house? No. Should we go into parenting without a plan of how we are going to bring them up? Absolutely not. But I have come to conclude that this journey of parenting requires a pliable parent. You need to be soft and pliable, able to change and adjust otherwise you'll break. I've seen a few resentful parents in my life. Not a lot but a few. One's who had a perfect picture of who their kids would be and who didn't know what to do with them when they stepped out the box, or didn't respond to their parenting or communication style. Disconnect and emotional distance from someone we love is heartbreaking and this leads to resentment and anger. What a challenge we have. Each little person has a personality specifically assigned to them. Each little child has been wired for a purpose by a loving Father. If we are going to parent and mentor these guys effectively, best get seeking the answers from the one who created them!
So whether you have a combinations of 'fun', 'control', 'peaceful' or 'perfect' personalities to raise, be encouraged that you have exactly what your little person needs to be raised (or so my mother reminds me when I sit more often than I'd like to admit with my head in my hands at what I would consider 'parenting fails'). And in return, God has gifted them to US to be not only a blessing but be the sandpaper effect that would rub off some rough edges on us, teach us patience and perhaps ultimately drive us deeper into relationship with our Heavenly Father as we realise more and more quickly how little we actually know about this parenting thing.
P.S
For anyone wanting to get a fresh perspective on parenting? Mark Gungor does the most enlightening, research-packed, board game for kids called the Flagpage. They play a game and by the answers they give to the questions, you can work out what 'country' they are from. He lists the four above (peace, perfect, control and fun) and then with a handbook (SO easy to read), shows you what each combination needs, wants and how to best communicate with them. This has by far been our most insightful resource when it comes to parenting (aside from the Bible), so worth a look!!!
This month we are celebrating my baby girl's 8th birthday. 8 year's old! Being Abigail's mum has
been my greatest blessing, greatest challenge and greatest learning opportunity. I can remember my 'lightbulb' moment of "O wow, I have a real live child that is all ours." Gavin and the family had left, it was hours after the most intense day of my life, birthing this baby girl. Lying in the hospital bed with this little person on my chest, silence, big eyes peering up at me from where she lay. That moment when I realised this was all for real and the weight of responsibility dawned on me for the task that lay ahead.
I have learnt more about myself parenting my girl than in any other area in life (perhaps on par with marriage). An idealistic young(ish) mum stepping into the long awaited role of motherhood with a baby girl, my dream 'job'! I soon found out that kids don't fit the mould of our ideals. They don't sit like colours in-between the lines or come together with some set recipe you find in a book. My firstborn taught me that kids are individuals with a language of emotions that you have to learn. That learning process means adapting, changing and ultimately parenting with a shift in mindset. Not only was my 'I'm the parent and I know what's best' attitude totally blown apart very quickly but it was replaced with a humbling of my heart as I realised that this complex little human was created with very specific, very unique personality for a very specific purpose and that I had to learn to communicate, discipline, love and ultimately parent from that perspective.
A wise man once said in passing that we think we were given kids for us to shape and change them, But that God actually gives us kids to shape and change us! How true that is. Should we lay down and let our kids run the house? No. Should we go into parenting without a plan of how we are going to bring them up? Absolutely not. But I have come to conclude that this journey of parenting requires a pliable parent. You need to be soft and pliable, able to change and adjust otherwise you'll break. I've seen a few resentful parents in my life. Not a lot but a few. One's who had a perfect picture of who their kids would be and who didn't know what to do with them when they stepped out the box, or didn't respond to their parenting or communication style. Disconnect and emotional distance from someone we love is heartbreaking and this leads to resentment and anger. What a challenge we have. Each little person has a personality specifically assigned to them. Each little child has been wired for a purpose by a loving Father. If we are going to parent and mentor these guys effectively, best get seeking the answers from the one who created them!
So whether you have a combinations of 'fun', 'control', 'peaceful' or 'perfect' personalities to raise, be encouraged that you have exactly what your little person needs to be raised (or so my mother reminds me when I sit more often than I'd like to admit with my head in my hands at what I would consider 'parenting fails'). And in return, God has gifted them to US to be not only a blessing but be the sandpaper effect that would rub off some rough edges on us, teach us patience and perhaps ultimately drive us deeper into relationship with our Heavenly Father as we realise more and more quickly how little we actually know about this parenting thing.
P.S
For anyone wanting to get a fresh perspective on parenting? Mark Gungor does the most enlightening, research-packed, board game for kids called the Flagpage. They play a game and by the answers they give to the questions, you can work out what 'country' they are from. He lists the four above (peace, perfect, control and fun) and then with a handbook (SO easy to read), shows you what each combination needs, wants and how to best communicate with them. This has by far been our most insightful resource when it comes to parenting (aside from the Bible), so worth a look!!!
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