Hold up!! I'm not ready for this...

So right  now, as it stands, I'm mother to a peaceful,fun, sweet-natured four year old, an adventurous,curious, toothless seven year old and a creative, social, strong-willed and determined nine year old. If you had asked me a few years ago what the hardest part of parenting was, I would have said without a doubt the baby and toddler years. The years where the never-ending workload of real life crash-collides with bringing little people into the world. Sleepless nights, keeping toddlers who have an affinity for dangerous activities, alive (!!!), keeping new babies who live with dangerous toddlers, alive(!!!!!) and of course keeping your sleep-deprived, baby-brained, overworked self alive in the process. Having kids is the most amazing, gut-wrenchingly hard, rewarding, (did I mention) A-mazing experience EVER! It is a 'job' never done, a calling never finished and a journey never ending. You evolve as a person, learn how little you actually ever knew and have your strength and resolve tested beyond what you thought you could endure. Part of the parenting package are the stages and phases you and your kids go through together. It's as if just as you breath a deep sigh of relief, give each other a high five for passing and surviving a stage, you graduate to the next one and start all over again with a few more notches of experience in your belt but totally unprepared for what's to come.

I say all that to say, I totally believe as they get older, it gets harder. You kiss goodbye the

days of 'do it because I said so' and have to start having actual reasons for why you're saying 'no'. You leave the days of fussy eating behind and enter the phase of what music is on playlists and what they want to watch on Youtube. Suddenly this universe you created where you can control most things, shifts and you have to work harder on preparing kids to be self-governing while still protecting them from things they shouldn't be exposed to, all without completely stifling and suffocating them.


I think most people will be a fan of the era they grew up in. It seems to be the case anyway? For me, the 90's was the most epic time to be young. The internet was so slow downloading anything , let alone inappropriate content wasn't an option and especially not on the family's one computer that sat in the lounge. My mobile phone that I got when I was 15 could only txt and even that cost 20c a txt which added up fast when you had no money. TV was scheduled and only available on a few channels that were very strictly monitored by family. Any videos (and later DVD's) that we rented, we could only do so with a parent to pay for. I find myself in this incredible world I've grown into with kids chomping at the bit to experience it and I find myself having very strong feelings about whether I feel prepared to navigate them through it. 

I now have a 9 year old who is obsessed with music. I remember being very into music too. All I had was an Alanis Morisette mixed tape and a small radio in my room where I could tape songs off the radio if I was lucky enough to catch the beginning in time. Obviously this quickly went to CD's and the internet became more widely available but really, all of that only happened late into my teens. My childhood was very much protected and I am so grateful for this.

I really thought I would only be having the conversation about pop culture, music, Youtubers and popular artists when my kids reached their teens, how naive of me. At just 9 I have been forced to stop the cliche' , 'you can't watch or listen to that' and had to really examine what I will and won't let the kids watch and listen to and more importantly, explain the heart of it to them. Inside every good parents is an ingrained desire and impulse to protect them. Most of our decisions, whether we were wrong or right at the time, come from this underlying desire. I think the thing that is scary about introducing our kids to this world of pop-culture (which I am a huge advocate of parents being fully involved in this process) is just how impressionable young kids are. There is something about an older child, a young adult who has formulated healthy ideas about themselves and life, whose brains are more developed, making choices about who they will 'follow' and choose to allow to influence them. A young child is so open-minded it's scary. I believe my role as a parent is to define 'normal' for my kids, to create a measuring stick for every encounter and influence that will

come their way for them to be able to make sense of the world and it's views with a very concrete set of values and self-worth. If we allow certain influences (and influencers) into their lives, unrestricted in this very vulnerable stage of their lives, I believe it can leave kids so bombarded with messages and ideology that they have no maturity to begin to decode and make sense of. Maybe it's my training as a Media Studies teacher that makes me all the more sceptical of a world where media is seen as merely entertainment... Every piece of media made, every piece of art whether visual, musical or both carry's values, messages and influences it's viewers in some measure and in some way. We talk on a basic level about music moving the soul, about how certain songs make us feel. There is an understanding that music in-particular affects the soul (your mind, will and emotions) even if on some sub-conscious level. Anyone you watch often enough, views you hear expressed, thoughts you hear reinforced through what's deemed by the amount of views to be popular opinion, has an undeniable affect on a young person only just working out where they stand on certain issues, what is right and wrong, how they should act and what is acceptable in society. The notion that audiences and viewers are just passive receivers has long since been refuted and challenged but I believe in the case of children, this would still very much be the case. Add to this the disintegrating family unit in society where kids sitting around dinner tables discussing issues, topics and subjects of life,  is just a memory of a simpler life in another time... it's no wonder parenting is so hard. The basis for all parenting is relationship and in a society where we are too busy with 'life' to put in the hard yards of conversation, healthy debate and thrashing out ideas with developing minds, it is no wonder kids are looking, whether they realise it or not, to outside influences in the world to define who they are, how the world should be and what success is. Obviously this is a big generalisation and we strive for this not to be the case in our homes but it definitely seems to be the trend.

Call me old school but I very much believe kids need protection, guidance, boundaries and close monitoring of what is allowed into their headspace. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the protection of their innocence. There is plenty of time for learning about the big wide world and it should be a world we as parents, take on the responsibility for being the tour-guide to, age appropriately. When they're developing, growing and learning, it makes so much sense to me to be the gate-keeper in who is shaping our kids view of themselves and the world.

So instead of the easy, blanket 'no', I had to start doing research. I began a playlist on my Spotify for Abby, on my phone (that is password protected and needs me to unlock it). I said that she could have music on her playlist by artists that have songs that are uplifting and life-giving, sung from lives that are good role models. Do songs like this exist, you ask? Yes, if you look to find them. I tried to teach her that a song doesn't need to be bad to be inappropriate for her age. That some songs are catchy and trendy but are singing about things in life that are 'too old' for her to understand and be singing about. There is just something not right about 9 year old's singing about moving their bodies on the dance floor and wanting to get with guys... hello! It's no use us as parents complaining about our kids who are defiant, back-chatting and disobedient when songs they're listening to are full of rebellion and lyrics about no one being able to tell them what to do. I'm endeavouring to teach her to listen to lyrics with her ears and to listen to what isn't sung, with her heart. Music carries messages and creative power to move us. I didn't want her Spotify playlist to just be me policing music choices (which it admittedly is a lot of the time). I want my kids to understand the 'why' otherwise let's be honest, the minute our back is turned, they'll be listening to it anyway! I have seen a real shift in Abby's heart in terms of making better music choices. And when she hits play while she cleans her room or choreographs a dance, I know the songs she has choice of are checked by me and wholesome for a 9 year old. If there is a new song she hears about at school or dancing, we check out the lyrics and we check out who sings it. We look into what messages the artist promotes, what kind of lifestyle they live and whether they're someone whose art we want to support and follow. So far, this has worked well and I am praying and hopeful that as she gets into the years ahead, she will have a strong conviction about what she allows into her ears and heart through music. 

The same can be said for the Youtube conversation. This started even earlier than music and I became resigned to the fact that this generation will get sucked into the pop-culture of Youtube whether we like it or not. TV is not a thing anymore. DVD's are almost a relic of the past. Youtube is fast moving, fast paced, bite-sized (perfect for the short attention span of the kids growing up in our instant world), anti-institution which appeals to this generation who enjoy deciding who is popular and who is not without some big corporate telling us who to watch and who to listen to. It's talked about at school, and is basically social commentary on life, how people live it, trends and connection. There's a platform that is so new it either causes parents to back off completely because they don't understand it or they freak out and

ban it which of course, aren't great options. I cringe at the idea of any child of impressionable age, left to navigate the big wide world of Youtube alone. Somehow we categorise it into an entertainment bracket like video games or movies and simply leave kids to it with a few loose rules. Unfortunately the nature of Youtube is that it is a rabbit hole that can lead to ends that are so far removed from where you started from. With suggestions popping up after short video clips, a child on Youtube can be exposed to some really intense, age-inappropriate content. Without going into the obvious issues with offensive content that most sensible parents would steer their kids away from, there is the next layer of concern for me here with my kids being exposed to someone I don't know, who has a platform to convey ideology, worldviews, attitudes, experiences and opinions whether subtly or brazenly, to an impressionable mind. It could be the sassy tween who is surrounded by money and fame, making huge claims by what they say, do and wear that you are successful and desirable only because of what you look like and what you own and no one can tell you how to live your life. It could be the older teenager talking about love, crushes and relationships and imparting an idea about that, that doesn't measure up to what we believe. It is by no means a monster that has no place in society but if we see it as a tool, like medicine, that can be used to do damage, then we will hopefully handle it with respect and see that our kids learn to do the same. 

Our Youtube rules are simple. The kids may have heard of or seen a new Channel or show. They will ask us to have a look, we sit and watch a few episodes and decide whether it's OK or not. If it passes the 'parent test', then the kids are allowed to watch those episodes during screen time, obviously given than no content they know is wrong (such as bad language, anything in the horror genre etc) pops up in it. Yes, this means I have to it through episodes of Ryan's Toy Review which is Jed's favourite at the moment, or Wengie which is Abby's recent favourite. The flavour of the day seems to be slime, pranks and more slime which I am grateful for. Noah is happy with Dude Perfect which are stunts and  clever tricks actually done by Christian guys and the latest Bear Grylls show on Netflix where they get to choose his adventure along the way, pretty epic (we're are for now in that department). 

The latest challenge for me was Abby wanting Musically which is the latest app. From downloading it I realised that it is like an Instagram but for home-made, music-video clips. An account for kids would mean that unless set to private, the big wide worlds could see their videos and more worrying, videos of others automatically fill their feed. Although offensive content is not meant to filter through, provocative songs, clothing and dance moves and just inappropriate videos for 9 years olds are streamed to their feed for them to scroll through and look at. I quickly said no to that which I wasn't popular for and now was asked whether she could watch Musically compilations on Youtube. This is what I chose to do with her. There are a few Youtube hosts who run really above board channels and the Musically compilations they did were tasteful and I was happy to sit through it with Abby. For now, she will only be allowed to watch that with me. But how hard is it as a parent to make the time to look into what 'everyone's' apparently doing (which most times they aren't) and make the call to actively monitor what these precious kids are doing.  


The other technology request that I get almost weekly is whether Miss 9 is allowed a phone if she is well behaved until Christmas. I thought I had made it clear that until she is working a part time job to be able to pay for it, responsible enough that I can see she is making good decisions when no one is watching and at an age where there is an actual need for one (I'm guessing these factors will collide around age 16), there will be no private devices for our kids. The dangers of the internet and unlimited contact with absolutely anyone in the world FAR outweigh any benefits anyone could present to me. Having worked with youth and kids alike in a few different capacities for over a decade (although I claim to be no expert), one thing I am more convinced of now, more than ever, is that children need less technological freedom not more. I was reading the Netsafe report on what kids are exposed to and was so grieved to see that 1 in 5 parents of 9 to 17 year olds surveyed in NZ said their children were exposed to sexually explicit content online in 2018. The main reasons parents gave for their child’s exposure to this content were; it popped up on the screen or device and accidental access. Another article in Stuff.co.nz said that 1/4 of all Kiwi kids under the age of 12 will have accessed pornography and yet another article when I looked into it on 1 News back in 2016 said "The average age today to which a child is exposed to porn is eight. And it's not because eight year olds go looking for porn, it's because they stumble across it." I know pornography is only one highly destructive element of the internet in our kids lives but it is something that has such a huge impact on society and our young people, destroying innocence and exposing them to things that are way too complex for what they should be worrying about in life. They need you to protect them, to teach them, to guide them and to help them simplify their lives as much as possible. The same could go for bullying and kids getting into unsavoury relationships in the secrecy of 'cyberspace' leading to kids making huge decisions completely void of adult wisdom and input. 

At the end of the day, technology is HERE TO STAY. Part of 21st Century parenting means we have a responsibility to be clued up, up-skilled and actively investigating the 'entertainment' world of our kids. Just as most good parents would never dream of letting strangers into our home to go sit behind closed doors with our young kids and engage with them for hours, we need to see what they're viewing and hearing as the same sort of interaction and guide them accordingly. I know my next challenge is going to be social media and I have all sorts of ideas about that, that when the time arises, I know it will be a great conversation. 


As parents I pray we have the strength to make the hard calls, the energy and drive to actively train up our children to be responsible citizens of the world and to not let business or naivity be our excuse as to why we failed in this area. We have no role-models for how to raise this generation, they're the first of their kind in a new world. We can't raise them with the same 'freedom' we had because the threats against their innocence are different and more aggressive than we've ever faced. Parenting our kids is no one's role but ours and I thank God there are resources out there to help us in this challenge in raising fully functional, self-governing, forward thinking children who will one day, at the right time become influencers in society, trend-setters and thought leaders in this crazy but beautiful world we live in.