Connection Central

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection lately. Maybe it’s because this was provoked by a cool second-hand book my dad bought me “1001 Ways to Connct with your Kids” by James R. Lucas. Maybe it’s because my love language is time and I am always scheming ways to connect with my little people in meaningful ways. Life is so busy, we jam-pack it so full of things that are in the end, meaningless… well in the grand scheme of eternity, if you know what I mean.

This book has been a really great tool! And some of you may have followed my Insta-stories over the past 2 weeks as I’ve tried a few of the ideas in the book. I don’t know about you, but I LOVE learning. I love watching, observing, trialling, improving, just gaining new tools to do what I do, better! Parenting I’ve found, is the most humbling journey. We find out pretty much from day 1 that our ideas, philosophies and ideologies were at best idealistic. Our set-in-concrete ideas of what kind of a parent we would be and how our children would be raised is very quickly confronted with the reality of little people, who do not and will not conform to any cookie-cutter parenting plan. We realise we don’t know everything, that each child is different and that we never really had it all figured out in the first place.

In a day and age where we are living in such abundance, where kids are probably the most spoilt generation in history (talking about in the Western world now), we are probably the most time-poor, by choice! Back in the day, with physically demanding jobs, the labour-intensive activity  of simply making dinner or doing the washing, left very little time for fun. With all the modern conveniences, we have somehow managed to make true connection with loved-ones a very low priority. How often do the kids get the leftovers? After a day of conference calls, business deals, sports coaching, Bake-sale baking, cleaning or working to  pay  for the cleaner, the very role and responsibility that is the most important calling of our lives, is slotted into tiny snippets of time we fill with screen time because we are simply exhausted by the life we have crafted. I feel like I need to preface this with 'NO MUM GUILT INTENDED!!' Simply because pointing out a better way is meant to inspire us, not condemn us. If we are too proud and stuck in our  ways to reevaluate, we run the risk of never moving forward into what our family or life in general, could actually be.

The reason why I LOVE this book is because the ideas in here are so simple! They don’t take hours of planning or disrupt your day. They give you an intentional way of connecting with your kids in a small way that when added together with the connection you’ll make tomorrow, and the day after that, will be making deposits into their ‘connection’ emotional bank account that when we need to make withdrawals from, doesn’t leave it depleted and in deficit.

“Your kids hearts are piggybanks that need your daily deposits of love. It’s as if the bank has a hole in it that makes it necessary to keep filling it everyday. Avoid making big withdrawels from it every day (actions that show no love or grace) or too many. Make sure your kids have ‘money in the bank’ everyday, a series of deposits that will make them rich.” P.19

One idea I tried that was successful is the ‘Sharing is Caring’idea. The point the book made briefly, is that there is something about all sharing food. So often we are quick to buy everyone their own ‘something’, lolly, ice-cream, packet of chips. But there is something that connects us when we sit and dip our hands into the same bowl, the same fish and chips newspaper and we experience literally, sharing a meal. In our case I did a quick dash after basketball one Thursday and instead of buying individual ice-creams, we all chose a 2litre tub of ice-cream, a packet of 99c spoons and we sat in the park, chatted about the day and all shared the tub of ice-cream. Was it a ground-breaking moment in our family? No. Was it life-changing? No. Was it a small deposit in the connection bank of creating togetherness in our family? Absolutely!

One of the not so successful attempts was the ‘26 hour day’. The idea is to propse the question, what would you do if you had an extra 2 hours in the day? Our lives, as I alluded to earlier, as so FULL, we often don’t have time for what makes our soul happy, or what we need. This is the same for the kids. The idea is to ask them, if they had an extra 2 hours in their day, what they would like to do? It is meant to give you as a parent, an insight into what your child might need. They may choose cuddling time reading a story, or relaxing time at home, they may choose  a family activity which would indicate their need for family time. Or, in my case the kids were too young to appreciate the questions and chose ‘buying everything from the shop’ which was not helpful. Abby, who is 9 said she would like to go swimming…  So not everything in the book works for every age. But points for trying, right?

Another super small, do-able idea is to write notes. I have kids who are note-writers (well the school age kids anyways). I will often get notes written to me on the fridge or on windows (with chalk pen of course). My son who is 6 diligently makes me pictures which he faithfully produces from his blazer pocket every single day. Little pictures and notes that say ‘I love you mum’. It is so easy to brush them off without really making a fuss and appreciating the thought and effort from his little heart. I have made it a big deal and ask him everyday (excitedly as I can manage) whether he has nay pictures for me. I have them all in a collection in my room. Yes, it helps I am sentimental, but these would have initially been something I’d have binned recently. I just decided when he started bringing them home everyday that I would encourage and nurture this sensitive, thoughtful heart with appreciation (future wife is welcome). So connection is not even always something initiated by us! Sometimes it’s taking the connection they’re extending to us and taking that idea further. I started making little notes every now and then and popping them in lunchboxes. The kids are always excited telling me after school they got them and I know I’m speaking their language because it’s something they started first! Maybe you have a flower picker? Why not go out and pick some flowers for your child and give it to them? Tell them you love them and you thought of them when you saw them. Maybe you have a cuddler. A baby who will give you spontaneous hugs (not always at convenient times, lets be real). How special would they feel if you called them over while you were busy with dinner or washing, got down on their level and said you would love a hug from them. Would that just not make their little day?

I decided last week after a very trying few weeks with the kids, to get out of Auckland. This is my 'extreme connection' tool! When I feel like life is getting a bit much, I escape. And judge me if you want, but I am a huge advocate of escaping. For some reason we think that life has to be the way it is. The kids HAVE to go to school. We HAVE to go to work that day. The house HAS to be cleaned... Well every now and then we can make up our own rules when it is justified by more important matters. Like having some heart to heart time with little people who are getting lost in life's crazy rush. 

Sometimes in the past we’ve done hotels, even just a night away. This time I went a bit less polished. I booked us into a camp ground and a motel in Cambridge on the River and in Rotorua which is one of our favourite places with the kids. There is something about how you parent when you don’t have to worry about cooking and cleaning, bedtime or homework, when the only goal for the whole time is fun and being together. When the rollercoaster or the speed train of life is getting a but hectic, sometimes you just need to get off. Now I realise I’m in a privileged position in that I didn’t have to work those days and my kids are young enough that I could pull them out of school for a couple of days. But this may not look like a roadtrip South for your and your family. Maybe it looks like putting up the tent in the backyard and ditching work and school for a day, or even just ditching the afterschool usual routine and making your one goal, lying, cuddling, chatting and connecting? I particularly choose NOT to include technology in our items away. Of course I have my phone but I choose places with no TV’s, we don’t have i-pads or anything that can distract from conversation and being together. Yes, I admit is sometimes takes a little while to ‘get in the groove’ of connecting. The kids irritate each other, they squabble, I get annoyed and instead of flicking on a TV show to get some order in the family I choose to allow these things to take their course. More than once we pressed the ‘reset button’ as we call it. A mandatory time out (it can be the car, or beds, or a forest). It’s just a time they are absolutely NOT allowed to talk. To be honest, it usually ends in hysterical giggling, for some reason quiet times are hilarious fun. It always ends with apologies to ALL from ALL and a group hug which Is also particularly hilarious because the kdis aren’t really the ‘hug each other’ type’.

 

I thought I would include some other ideas here that are in the book that I’ll be rolling out in the days to come. The beauty of it is that it isn’t a programme that if you stop, you have to start again. It’s just small tweaks in your day that build momentum and prioritise relationships. At the end of the day, family without relationships are very hollow, shallow places. And relationships take WORK and MAINTENANCE!

#65 NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW NOR DARK OF NIGHT…

“Jon Rohn, a motivational speaker once said, “nothing is as lonely as an empty mailbox” Provide your children with their own mailboxes. A box or an envelope on a wall or outside their door. And then put their mail, unopened of course, into it . better yet, send them letters! Even if you’re home. Tell them how you really feel. Getting a letter that’s yours alone is a personal, meaningful experience. Letters can be read and reread, scoured for love and meaning months and years after the date and postmark.”

#80  IF I COULD CHANGE PLACES

“If you could change places with any person, who would it be? Why? What would you do that first week? Don’t limit the trading field to male or female, old or young, living or dead. Your children’s answers will expose their inner character and desired destinies. Ask again over the years to gan a growing perspective on who your kids are and where they’re heading.

#94 FAMILY FIX-IT

“Ask your kids, “What do you hate most about school, work, the neighbourhood, the family? Why? How could we fix it?” Just talking about it even if there is no practical action that can be taken , can be tremendous relief for your children. As you enter into their disappoitemnst, you gain a chance to guide them into possible solutions and show how much you care.”

#463 WHY NOT?

“There are always a million reasons to say ‘no’ but break out of this stranglehold approach to parenting with the best question you can ask. “why not?” Can he roll outside in the mud? Why not? Can she spread her project out on her bed and sleep on the floor? Why not?  Why not indeed. Many of the thousands of no’s a child hears in his first eighteen years have no good reason behind them. Should you drop most of the deadly no’s? Why not?

#921 PLAY WITH ME

“Play is the great equaliser. ‘you can do anything with children if you only play with them.’ Said – incredibly – Otto von Bismarck, Prime Minister of Prussia, who was knowm as ‘the Iron Chancellor’. Get into their workd and erase the difference for a moment. Some of it will never come back.”

My heart really is that we will continually be inspired by the incredible privilege it is to shape and raise these little people God has entrusted to us. It is tiring, it is hard work and it is definitely NOT for the faint-hearted, to do this properly. But we can take heart that we are exactly the right people to do this job, handpicked by God Himself, on purpose. We can also take heart that God promises to equip and teach us. We can relax and rest in knowing that God loves these little people more than we ever could understand, and that He will give us the tools we need to do our 'job'. I whole-heartedly believe that as God our Father modelled the importance of relationship, that is our key to parenting success too.  And how exciting that as we put time and effort into what (rather 'who') He sees as important, He will give us all the help we need to navigate this crazy journey that is parenthood.

Have fun connecting out there, people!