Who's your Guru??
As I sit here thinking about my own parenting journey, it is totally a sum of my own ideas, what I've learnt in the Bible and a lot were bits and pieces I picked up from people who were ahead of me in the game. I just cannot imagine trying to do family, raising kids and marriage without help. I don't think we were designed to do life as an island and so much research backs this up. We were made for community. Not just the Western idea of 'living in a community' but being a part of one. That means being vulnerable. That means opening up about EXACTLY what is going right and wrong in your family and being open enough to accept correction (yes, eating humble pie is a HUGE part of maturity...unfortunately) and seeking out wisdom, constantly.
For some sad reason, many people I have come into contact with, whether it be at playgroup or sports classes or even the mums I get talking to at the indoor playgrounds, seem to have a very isolated parenting lifestyle. I think it is because we are made to believe we have something to prove. It seems we pick up the message from the world somehow that we are meant to go into this parenting/family thing alone, go through the crazy mess of life and we will celebrate when you're out the other side, when we've done what you're supposed to.
I am naturally an idealist, slightly a perfectionist and have more control in me than is sometimes helpful. I went into parenting with very idealistic goals for myself and the angels'' who would grace my life. I have realized, going through the trenches as well as in the victories that you NEED people.
SO this is where the question comes in. Who is your guru? I'm not meaning the blogs you read which is a one way conversation of ideas that may or may not line up with truth. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE reading blogs and articles and they form a basis for challenging ideas that often grow into great strategies in life. But I'm talking about good, old fashioned advice givers who will challenge things in your life, bypass all the PC rubbish of what a 'good' parent should and should not be (maybe even telling you that your child's happiness is NOT your main responsibility, say what?!) and who encourages you and cheers you on.
As you can maybe imagine, the Facebook moments that are captured don't speak to the reality of life. I for one choose to put up the smiles, the fun, the adventures, because it's what I want to look back on as the memories of our family. But behind all of that, in real life, there is a battle everyday. A battle we need strategy for, we need encouragement for and wisdom.
I have been so blessed with a few people in particular who have been my go-to people. There are many layers of guru's. Some people are people ahead of us in life that we can look to on a surface level and copy some good examples. I have a few mums in my life who are only just ahead of me with older kids. I watch their lives (they probably don't even know it!) and often tweak what I'm doing to copy what they do in terms of wanting to get outcomes I can see they have. One (slightly) older mum-friend is great at teaching her kids independence. Her kids make their own lunches, have chores and are really great, well-rounded kids. I love that aspect of their family and have implemented more than one of her 'ideas' in our home. Another (slightly) older mum-friend is great at building memories. I watch their family do things together, not getting bogged down by the things they HAVE to do and live life in a fun, adventurous way. I love that. It inspires me to not sweat the small stuff and to have fun.
Then there is the next layer of guru. The people who are further down the track and higher up the mountain. They can see past the facebook façade. They understand the battle and don't just stand with you in the trenches, they speak vision and hope into your life so you begin to hold onto the dream of what's to come.
These people are gold and I have three I can name off the top of my head (one being my amazing mum). I can remember trying to be consistent with my very (then) badly behaved, tantrum-throwing two year old daughter. I was at mums house and the little poppet would NOT stay in the room for a nap. I knew she was tired (the whole neighbourhood knew she was tired) but she would not lie down and nap. I did the tough mama thing and put her back in her bed for ages as she jumped out crying and wanting to go inside. It was one of those tiring days where I ended up in tears (an hour later) and I was about to let her go inside and play, as exhausted as she was. Mum came in, told me not to give in and that if I gave in now, psychologically speaking, Abigail would register mentally that after this amount of time, mum would 'give in' and she would just cry this long next time. I got the 'you can do this. You NEED to finish this' talk and went back for round 2. She was asleep within the next 15 mins as my resolve strengthened and nap time and bed time became easier as I became less worried about the guilt of making my child do something she didn't 'want' to do but that I knew she needed to do.
I've had one particular mentor on speed dial. Not kidding. This lady is a legend mum and now Nana. Not a word of a lie, I have had her on the phone to the particular 'problem child' of the day more than once and sometimes (OK more often than not) the problem is our parenting so WE get the talking to. Sometimes we just cannot do it all. Sometimes we need to call in the big guns, get some strategy, refocus and go back and try again.
I just have to put a disclaimer in here. Not everyone is meant to be your guru... Just saying. There are plenty of opinions that you sweetly smile and receive and then store in the part of your brain where you remember where you put your car keys or the presents you bought and hid so well you can't find them when you need them. So choose your gurus carefully and prayerfully. My favourite test is fruit. Forget the words, what is the fruit from a person's life, from their parenting, from the way their family is. Also, there is absolutely no substitute for the Bible. HELLO! Handbook for life right there! Our PERFECT Heavenly Father is the best role model, hands down.
I would just love to see more mums empowered to ask for help! I just know, with all the great role models of parenting I've had in life, I have still needed help. With all the episodes of Supernanny I have watched, being a teacher, being a nanny before that, I STILL needed help with my own kids and still do. I totally believe we are called and chosen to parent the gifts we've been given. But I also don't believe it is meant to be done alone. Imagine the strength in community that comes from learning from other peoples mistakes. The comfort that comes from knowing that you are not alone, that other people went through the SAME things and came out OK? Why would anyone want to do this alone?
It takes humility. It takes baring your soul, the good, the bad and the ugly. And somehow, it is only when we humble ourselves to admitting we don't actually know ALL the answers, that we find the beauty in the support that can surround us if we allow people in.
For some sad reason, many people I have come into contact with, whether it be at playgroup or sports classes or even the mums I get talking to at the indoor playgrounds, seem to have a very isolated parenting lifestyle. I think it is because we are made to believe we have something to prove. It seems we pick up the message from the world somehow that we are meant to go into this parenting/family thing alone, go through the crazy mess of life and we will celebrate when you're out the other side, when we've done what you're supposed to.
I am naturally an idealist, slightly a perfectionist and have more control in me than is sometimes helpful. I went into parenting with very idealistic goals for myself and the angels'' who would grace my life. I have realized, going through the trenches as well as in the victories that you NEED people.
SO this is where the question comes in. Who is your guru? I'm not meaning the blogs you read which is a one way conversation of ideas that may or may not line up with truth. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE reading blogs and articles and they form a basis for challenging ideas that often grow into great strategies in life. But I'm talking about good, old fashioned advice givers who will challenge things in your life, bypass all the PC rubbish of what a 'good' parent should and should not be (maybe even telling you that your child's happiness is NOT your main responsibility, say what?!) and who encourages you and cheers you on.
As you can maybe imagine, the Facebook moments that are captured don't speak to the reality of life. I for one choose to put up the smiles, the fun, the adventures, because it's what I want to look back on as the memories of our family. But behind all of that, in real life, there is a battle everyday. A battle we need strategy for, we need encouragement for and wisdom.
I have been so blessed with a few people in particular who have been my go-to people. There are many layers of guru's. Some people are people ahead of us in life that we can look to on a surface level and copy some good examples. I have a few mums in my life who are only just ahead of me with older kids. I watch their lives (they probably don't even know it!) and often tweak what I'm doing to copy what they do in terms of wanting to get outcomes I can see they have. One (slightly) older mum-friend is great at teaching her kids independence. Her kids make their own lunches, have chores and are really great, well-rounded kids. I love that aspect of their family and have implemented more than one of her 'ideas' in our home. Another (slightly) older mum-friend is great at building memories. I watch their family do things together, not getting bogged down by the things they HAVE to do and live life in a fun, adventurous way. I love that. It inspires me to not sweat the small stuff and to have fun.
Then there is the next layer of guru. The people who are further down the track and higher up the mountain. They can see past the facebook façade. They understand the battle and don't just stand with you in the trenches, they speak vision and hope into your life so you begin to hold onto the dream of what's to come.
These people are gold and I have three I can name off the top of my head (one being my amazing mum). I can remember trying to be consistent with my very (then) badly behaved, tantrum-throwing two year old daughter. I was at mums house and the little poppet would NOT stay in the room for a nap. I knew she was tired (the whole neighbourhood knew she was tired) but she would not lie down and nap. I did the tough mama thing and put her back in her bed for ages as she jumped out crying and wanting to go inside. It was one of those tiring days where I ended up in tears (an hour later) and I was about to let her go inside and play, as exhausted as she was. Mum came in, told me not to give in and that if I gave in now, psychologically speaking, Abigail would register mentally that after this amount of time, mum would 'give in' and she would just cry this long next time. I got the 'you can do this. You NEED to finish this' talk and went back for round 2. She was asleep within the next 15 mins as my resolve strengthened and nap time and bed time became easier as I became less worried about the guilt of making my child do something she didn't 'want' to do but that I knew she needed to do.I've had one particular mentor on speed dial. Not kidding. This lady is a legend mum and now Nana. Not a word of a lie, I have had her on the phone to the particular 'problem child' of the day more than once and sometimes (OK more often than not) the problem is our parenting so WE get the talking to. Sometimes we just cannot do it all. Sometimes we need to call in the big guns, get some strategy, refocus and go back and try again.
I just have to put a disclaimer in here. Not everyone is meant to be your guru... Just saying. There are plenty of opinions that you sweetly smile and receive and then store in the part of your brain where you remember where you put your car keys or the presents you bought and hid so well you can't find them when you need them. So choose your gurus carefully and prayerfully. My favourite test is fruit. Forget the words, what is the fruit from a person's life, from their parenting, from the way their family is. Also, there is absolutely no substitute for the Bible. HELLO! Handbook for life right there! Our PERFECT Heavenly Father is the best role model, hands down.
I would just love to see more mums empowered to ask for help! I just know, with all the great role models of parenting I've had in life, I have still needed help. With all the episodes of Supernanny I have watched, being a teacher, being a nanny before that, I STILL needed help with my own kids and still do. I totally believe we are called and chosen to parent the gifts we've been given. But I also don't believe it is meant to be done alone. Imagine the strength in community that comes from learning from other peoples mistakes. The comfort that comes from knowing that you are not alone, that other people went through the SAME things and came out OK? Why would anyone want to do this alone?It takes humility. It takes baring your soul, the good, the bad and the ugly. And somehow, it is only when we humble ourselves to admitting we don't actually know ALL the answers, that we find the beauty in the support that can surround us if we allow people in.
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